


You Need to Calm Down

by mundane_blues



Series: The Loververse [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Underage Drinking, half of these stories will be cute, literally this is jsut an excuse to attempt to write funny dialogue LMAO, the others will just be absolutely dumb AF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21669019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mundane_blues/pseuds/mundane_blues
Summary: This is a series of one-shots/drabbles/outtakes from the Loververse that don't fit in the main story, and are literally just based off of ideas I get from the Internet/social media/random thoughts. Range from either really cute, super stupid, or just absolute WTF, no there is no in between.
Series: The Loververse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556896
Comments: 10
Kudos: 12





	1. rhymes with orange

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you take the "who in NCT" meme too far! ...please help me
> 
> All of these are set within the Loververse! It's the same characters from Lover and It's Nice to Have a Friends(giving), if you need any/more context in regards to dynamics/characters feel free to check out those stories!
> 
> I apologize for any inconsistencies or exaggerations/flanderizations in tone/character, these definitely won't have a lot of substance, these will just be me free-forming some comedic/witty/funny material as fast as possible to try and capture the same spontaneous chaotic energy that makes me CTFU at the source material in the first place.
> 
>   
> "rhymes with orange" is based on this [Tik Tok](https://vm.tiktok.com/9T2jrE/).

“Hey, what rhymes with celebratory?” 

Donghyuck looks up from his laptop at the kitchen table confusedly, pausing the episode of 'Brooklyn 99' he’s been watching. “Why are you asking me, English isn’t my first language,” he replies in Korean. “Why, are you writing a poem or something?”

“Actually...yeah,” Mark nods.

Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrow. “Since when were you an English major?”

“Well, it’s for my creative writing class I’m taking this semester, we were assigned to write a short poem about...something, and I chose to write about a wedding.”

Donghyuck gives Mark a confused smirk. “A wedding? Are you getting married sometime soon?”

“Only to you in twenty years, _backup_ ,” Mark winks. Donghyuck throws his notebook at him, and Mark ducks and instead it flies across the apartment near Renjun, who’s sitting on the couch eating a slice of pizza as he watches a Chinese variety show.

“Hey, can you not?” Renjun says in between a mouthful of cheese, tomato sauce, and crust. “Some people don’t appreciate having spiral-bound objects thrown at them while they’re trying to eat.”

"But if it was your sketchbook, it'd be okay then?" Mark asks sarcastically.

"Not possible, because if you even breathed on my sketchbook it'd be the last breath you ever draw," Renjun replies insipidly.

"So then, you'd draw his last breath?" Donghyuck asks cheekily.

"Shut up, Hyuck."

“Also, Mark’s writing a poem,” Donghyuck states loudly across the living room.

“Oh, he is?” Jeno appears out of the sofa.

“Wait, were you there this whole time?” Mark asks confusedly.

“I was taking a nap, I woke up five minutes ago but Renjun’s leg is so comfy to lie on,” Jeno grins sheepishly.

Renjun leans over, picks up Donghyuck’s notebook from the floor and whacks Jeno on the head.

“Hey! What was that for?” Jeno pouts.

“For making me lose feeling in my leg,” Renjun replies bluntly.

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” Donghyuck says to him. “That’s Jaemin’s job.”

“Hey, I heard that!” Jaemin calls from his room.

“So, is this the love poem you had to write for your creative writing class?” Jeno asks Mark.

Mark blushes.

“Oh, so it _is_ a love poem?” Donghyuck repeats with sudden newfound interest.

Mark recognizes that tone of voice and immediately feels a growing sense of discomfort starting somewhere around his chest, not quite his heart, but in that general area. “No, no, it’s not what you think–”

Donghyuck leaps out of his chair and snatches Mark’s notebook out from under his hands. Mark scrambles to stop Donghyuck, but he sticks his leg out and Mark stumbles over and finds himself on the apartment floor.

“Owwwww,” Mark whines.

“ _Roses are red, violets are blue_ ,” Donghyuck grimaces at the words. “Geez, could you have been any more generic than that?”

“Stop, don’t read it out loud–”

“ _No matter the color, you’re my favorite hue_ ,” he ignores Mark. “ _I dream of you, lover, I dream every night, that someday, oh one day, I'm forever on your right._ ”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Jeno says warmly.

“More like incredibly dull and cliché,” Renjun says unimpressed. “Seriously? I know third graders who write better poetry than that, Mark.”

“That’s why I asked him not to read it out loud,” Mark groans. “It’s a rough draft! I'm going to edit it.”

"Uh huh, because that'll definitely turn it into a Pulitzer Prize winner."

“ _But no matter the color, whether it’s red, blue, or orange_ , _I’ll always love you, like Goldilocks does porridge,_ ” Donghyuck says. He looks up from the love poem on the paper dubiously. “Who the hell is Goldilocks? Is that some Canadian cartoon character I don't know?”

“She's some bitch who freeloads off three bare bears and eats all their porridge,” Jaemin says as he walks out of his room towards the kitchen. 

“Wait, she’s actually a character from the TV show?” Jeno asks.

“No, no, she's just a character from a children’s story,” Renjun explains. “Oh, and Mark, that last line he just read didn’t rhyme, by the way. Choose a different color, orange doesn’t have any rhyming words.”

“What?” Jeno says confusedly. “How did that not rhyme? They ended with the same letter. _Orange_ and _porridge_ , that rhymes.”

Renjun gives Jeno a look that straddles the middle of somewhere between a dirty, loathsome glare and wide, shocked and semi-cute confusion.

“Uh, no? Orange ends with an _-ange_ , but porridge ends with _-idge_ , that doesn’t rhyme,” Renjun explains.

“That rhymes, though,” Haechan says as he grabs Mark’s hand to pull him off of the ground, wiping his back of any floor dust or dirt. “Orange and porridge rhyme.”

“No, they don’t,” Renjun crosses his arms.

“Yeah, actually they don’t,” Mark rubs his neck sheepishly. “He's right, they almost rhyme, but not quite.”

“Not even almost,” Renjun quips.

Jeno and Donghyuck both look at the two of them confusedly. “Okay, _what_?” Donghyuck says, befuddled expression on his face. “Orange sounds like porridge to me.”

“That’s because you’re pronouncing it as oh- _ringe_ , but it’s oh- _rahnge_ ,” Renjun enunciates, emphasis on the last syllable. “That doesn’t rhyme with poh- _ridge_.”

“No it’s not, it’s orange,” Donghyuck says with an oh-vert _ringe_ to it. “And it doesn’t matter, as long as it ends with the same letter, then the words rhyme. And those both end with an e.”

“Yeah, those sound exactly the same to me,” Jaemin agrees as he opens the fridge and pours himself a glass of green tea.

Now it is Renjun and Mark’s turn to both look at each other with a befuddled expression.

“What? No it doesn’t,” Mark responds. “There are some words in the English language that don’t rhyme, even if they do end with the same letter. Orange is one of them. Like silver, or angel.”

“What? Angel does rhyme with something,” Jaemin says as he browses the fridge for a snack. “Like...aha! My lox bagel that I’m about to reheat, see?” He holds up the half-eaten bagel he has pulled out from the top shelf. “Bagel rhymes with angel. Same last letter, rhymes like a charm.”

“That’s not a rhyme,” Renjun says again frustratedly. “For it to rhyme, it has to be the same syllables. That’s bagel, but that’s not the same as angel. It’s a hard g for ba _gel_ and a soft g for an _gel_.”

“But they still end with _gel_ , right?” Jeno asks.

“Well, yeah, but–”

“So then they rhyme, end of discussion,” Donghyuck states, crossing his arms.

Renjun lets out an exasperated huff. “Look, the rules for rhyming are that–”

“If it ends in the same letter, it rhymes?” Donghyuck finishes for him. “Because that’s how the rules of English works, Mr. _'wow look at me I'm so good at speaking English'_ Huang.”

“Okay, first of all, that's not how I talk. Second, English is my second language, and even I know those words don’t rhyme,” Renjun replies. “And third, you’re literally speaking perfectly fine English to me right now.”

“Because if I spoke in Korean you wouldn't understand what I’m saying,” Donghyuck deadpans in Korean.

“He said that it’s because if he spoke in Korean you would–”

“Got the gist, thanks, Mark,” Renjun dismissively waves his hand to stop him. “But you’re still _wrong_. Bee rhymes with sea, yeah? See? Those end with different letters!”

“No they don’t,” Jaemin argues. “They literally end with the same letters, b-e-e spells bee, and s-e-e spells see!”

“Oh my god, no I didn’t mean _see_ , I meant–”

“Yeah, and super rhymes with later, does it not?” Donghyuck adds unceremoniously. “And single rhymes with jingle, and paper rhymes with upper.”

“See? Those are all rhymes!” Jaemin points to Donghyuck in agreement.

“Oh my god, how the hell did you get a 5 on the AP Lang test?” Renjun exclaims incredulously, hands moving about as his fingers tense up rigidly. “Paper and upper do not rhyme!”

“Yes, they do!” Jaemin insists. “Look, just because you have to be right about everything doesn’t mean we can’t be right this _one_ time–”

“Oh my god, do not, _DO NOT_ ,” Renjun almost shouts as he points an accusatory left index finger at Jaemin’s lox bagel, which looks dangerously close to spilling cream cheese onto the kitchen floor, “make this into another one of those arguments, I do _not_ always have to be right, do you not remember the–”

“You didn’t admit you were right that time, you just said it was the printer’s fault you read the word wrong!” Jaemin raises his voice heatedly. “How the hell do you misread chandelier as hand-delivered?!”

“Well maybe the ink wouldn’t have smudged if it wasn’t for your sweaty hands!” Renjun yells irritably.

“He has a point, you do sometimes get hand sweat,” Jeno says in agreement.

“Okay, one, you’re now on my list,” Jaemin retorts threateningly to Jeno, heatedly gesturing at him with his sweaty hands, “and two,” he continues as he points his bagel accusingly at Renjun, “it was the middle of summer with no air conditioner in a cramped room with fifty people, you try not having sweaty palms!”

“This is getting off topic, just please drop it, will you?!” Renjun screams. “I do not always have to be right but in this case you are literally and absolutely both _wrong_! Do right and write rhyme? Yes! And they end with a t and an e!”

“No it's not, they do rhyme! You’re telling me Rite-Aid isn’t spelled with an e at the end?” Donghyuck shouts. “That’s an e and an e, and I might not be the best speller, but I’m pretty sure that when I go with Jaemin to buy our disposable cameras, the e at the end of Rite-Aid and the e you write at the end of write are the same fucking e!”

“Oh my god, just – are you guys literally doing this on purpose to mess with me?!” Renjun screams in frustration.

“No, I’m literally doing this to prove my point!” Donghyuck shouts back. “When you rhyme a word it has to end with the SAME fucking letters–"

“No, it doesn’t!” Renjun yells. “You guys are being so–”

“Yes it does!” Jaemin says with a cup of unsweetened tea in his hand as it sloshes about and slightly drips over onto the kitchen floor. 

“Uh, no they don’t!” Mark jumps back into the hated conversation. “Slime and fine end with the same letter but they don’t rhyme.” 

"Oh my god, Mark shut UP!" Renjun yells.

“Yes they do!” Jaemin retorts. “Slime and fine rhyme because they end with the same fucking letter–”

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Renjun screeches as he jumps up from the couch and pulls on his hair. “No, no, NO, they do not rhyme!”

“It does not–”

“It’s the SYLLABLE. SYLLABLE. SYLLABLE!” Renjun repeats maniacally as his eyes widen and his nostrils flare. “The SYLLABLE is what makes it rhyme, not the letter!”

“It is _so_ not the syllable!” Jaemin yells back. “It is so _NOT_! Through and trough are the SAME syllable but it doesn’t rhyme–”

“That’s NOT what a fucking syllable is!!!!” Renjun screeches. “Those are the goddamn _letters_! And they _don’t even_ rhyme and they both end with the _same five fucking letters_! ROUGH! ROUGH! ROUGH! R-O-U-G-H, ROUGH!!!!”

“What are you, a dog?” Donghyuck mouths off mordantly.

"Hello, this is a conversation about poems, not the spelling bee, Akeelah," Jaemin states sardonically.

“Also, I thought Jeno was supposed to be our apartment pet.”

“I already told you guys that I wouldn’t have paws,” Jeno groans. “I’m a human, not a dog!”

“Okay, _puppy_ ,” Jaemin says sassily. 

“Although, you know that might change when Jisung moves in,” Mark says contemplatively. “He is quite a catty person, literally and figuratively.”

“You know what, I can’t even be a part of this discussion anymore,” Renjun fumes angrily as he picks up Donghyuck’s notebook and smacks him, Mark, and Jaemin on the head with it. “I cannot believe I live in an apartment full of idiots!”

“Oh yeah? Well I can’t believe I live under the same roof as an _anime cosplayer_ ,” Donghyuck fires back.

“HEY!” Renjun shouts furiously. “It’s _not_ an anime, Zuko was _not_ supposed to end up with Katara, and the lion turtle ending _was_ poor writing using deus ex machina!”

“How the hell am I supposed to know what any of that means?!” Donghyuck exclaims. “I don't speak French!”

“That’s not even French! It’s Latin!!!”

“What the hell, they so _were_ meant to end up together!” Jaemin adds angrily. “You are not gonna sit there eating your slice of three day-old pizza and tell me Aang and Katara are more interesting than a dynamic like Zuko and Katara that was literally fire and ice!”

“Wait, how can you not like Zuko with Katara?!” Mark blurts out incredulously. “They were really good together!”

“YOU! You’re supposed to be on _my_ side, Mark!“ Renjun yells. “And _you_ ,” Renjun seethes as he angrily motions towards Jaemin with the swift swish of his left index finger, “are wrong, she's a waterbender, not Elsa! And you are _so_ not going to tell me that as you’re sitting there sipping your stupid green tea _that isn’t even sweetened_!”

"We buy the unsweetened one _because that's the one everyone likes_!" Jaemin shrieks as he angrily stomps back into his room and slams the door.

“Fine!” Renjun storms off and follows suit as he also slams the door to his and Jeno’s room.

“You’re all losers!” Donghyuck shouts in Korean as he copies Renjun and Jaemin and loudly closes the door to his and Mark’s room.

Mark and Jeno glance between each other warily at the ensuing three minutes of silence. They both exchange awkward expressions with each other – Jeno briefly tries scrolling through his phone but when he looks back up he still sees the same goofy glance on Mark's face. After the fifth minute of silence, Jeno sighs and gets up off the couch and Mark follows him before they both stand in front of the three bedroom doors in the apartment.

“Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?” he calls out. “Me and Mark are gonna go get some coffee to drink.”

Mark internally counts to ten, knowing that someone will cave by the seventh second.

Jaemin speaks up on the fourth. “Can you get me an Americano with extra shots of espresso, please?” he asks through the door.

“Got it,” Jeno nods. “Junnie? Hyuckie?”

Again, Mark internally counts to ten.

“Get me a chai latte,” Renjun grumbles through the door on the sixth second. “Grande, please. With almond milk.”

“You know what I want, Mark,” Donghyuck says.

“Got it, we’ll be back with your drinks in about twenty minutes,” Mark yells back at all of them through their doors.

Mark and Jeno grab their keys and wallets and walk out the apartment door as they head towards Starbucks. Once they hear the door close, all three of them open their bedroom doors within about ten seconds of one another.

“A lot of heated words were exchanged,” Jaemin starts neutrally.

“It was just a lot of backtalk,” Renjun agrees calmly. "Happens to the best of us."

“It's because tomorrow's a Monday,” Donghyuck shrugs nonchalantly. "No one is ever happy that the next day is a Monday."

“Should we order a pizza?” Jaemin asks. “I don’t think the bagel was enough for me.”

“I’m down for another slice or four,” Renjun nods in agreement. “How about you, Hyuck?”

“Can we just get the plain margarita this time? Sausage and mushrooms sounds too heavy with coffee right now,” Donghyuck states plainly.

“Oh my god, I was totally gonna say the same thing,” Jaemin responds. “Also, totally not a sausage and mushroom kind of night.”

“Yeah, definitely more of a margarita Monday today, not a mushroom-y one,” Renjun adds. “You wanna call Mark and tell them to pick up the pizza too?”

“I like how we’re all on the same page about that,” Donghyuck replies. “Yeah, I’ll text Mark that we’re ordering a pizza too and they need to pick it up.”

“Wow, I can’t believe that I’m still so hungry,” Jaemin says. "Guess that argument worked up an appetite for me."

"I feel that, dude," Donghyuck nods in agreement.

“I mean, I know I have a rule about not eating so late, but goddamn, their margarita is great, at least before–”

Jaemin stops mid sentence, and then both him and Donghyuck look at each other with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, Jaemin’s hand pointing at Donghyuck with his mouth affixed into a small ellipse, and Donghyuck’s hands covering his mouth as his small gasp barely registers as audible.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” they both say at the same time.

“Thank you,” Renjun exhales with exoneration, feeling vindicated in his relief. “Now we’re actually all on the same page.”


	2. taste testes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> press f to pay respects, [based off of this TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@brooklynnisugly/video/6782068669888367877)
> 
> Please do not take this seriously this is literally so fucking stupid

“Yo,” Heejin exclaims as they all finish taking their pre-game shot, “did you guys know that your balls can actually taste stuff?”

“What?” Jeno looks at her confusedly. “You mean like, my  _ balls _ balls?”

“Yeah dude!”

“Like, my  _ ball sack _ balls?” Mark struggles to enunciate clearly, confusedly stumbling and leaning on Jaemin’s shoulders. “Balls balls? My nut balls?”

“Mark, how are you already drunk, it’s not fairrr,” Jaemin whines, pouting. “I wanna be a lightweight.”

“Yeah!” Heejin replies, maybe a bit tipsy. “You can like, taste stuff through your balls, dude.”

“Oh my god, wait, is  _ that _ why I’m always turned on when I get KBBQ?” Donghyuck says dumbfoundedly.

“Wait, you get turned on by the waiter–”

“ _ Jaemin, _ ” Renjun sighs sternly, taking another sip of water from his hydroflask.

“Ok, maybe I’m just like _ really  _ drunk,” Jaemin says with narrowed eyes as he pours himself another shot of tequila, “but did you seriously just tell me my balls??? Can taste food?”

“Dude, there was, like, an article about it or something,” Heejin replies, “on my fucking Twitter feed and I was like,  _ what the fuck _ , but like, apparently it’s true!”

“What do you mean it’s true?!” Hyunjin laughs nervously. “What the hell?!”

“Bro!” Heejin yells, unaware of the volume of her voice. “There were like, scientists who were  _ paid  _ to research if balls could taste shit, or something. It’s like, science.”

“So, like, according to science, if I put my balls in like, alfredo, I would like,  _ taste  _ the cream?” Jaemin says dumbfoundedly.

“As if you don’t already taste cream,” Donghyuck laughs loudly, and Jaemin giggles (Jeno doesn’t get the joke and just looks at him confusedly).

“Heejin, can you  _ please  _ shut up about this,” Hyunjin whines cutely, definitely past tipsy as she leans on her girlfriend’s shoulders. “Why are you so hung up on this.”

“Yeah, you’re a lesbian, I don’t think you even like anything hung,” Donghyuck says crudely and Mark and Jaemin, dirty-minded they are, start cracking up.

“What? I don’t get it,” Jeno whines.

“Don’t worry about it,” Renjun sighs tiredly, the only sober one in the apartment right now. “Just...don’t worry about it, Jeno. This apartment is filled with a bunch of fucking pervs.”

“But you should worry about it, Junnie!” Heejin says seriously. “It’s serious science!”

“Why should we worry–”

“BECAUSE!” she exclaims loudly. “I wanna know if it’s true!”

“Wait, what?” 

“Wait, what the fuck are we talking about,” Mark whines, already drunk after his third shot like the lightweight he is. “Why are we talking about balls tasting things. I wanna taste things!”

“Why the fuck  _ not  _ talk about balls,” Jaemin giggles, “they’re so–”

“Jaemin, if you’re going to talk about why you like balls, I’m actually going to shave your head,” Renjun says completely seriously, as he’s the designated driver tonight. 

“What if instead of shaving my head, I give you hea-”

“Jaemin,” Renjun strains to say, still struggling not to choke Jaemin even with now seven years of experience being his friend, “Please don’t start this conversation again. I already have repressed memories from listening to you and Heejin talking about balls.”

“Wait, what?” Mark slurs out sloppily. “Heejin, I thought you were a lesbiannn.”

“I  _ am  _ a lesbian!” Heejin shouts too loudly, unaware of how loud she’s actually speaking. “And proud of it! Please know that I’m an even  _ bigger  _ lesbian than Jaemin is a twink!”

“I’m not a twink!” Jaemin whines petulantly. 

“Heejin, you’re literally five feet tall,” Renjun retorts.

“A twink? What?” Jeno asks. “You mean like the snack? Aren’t they called Twinkies?” 

“Oh Jeno, you’re so painfully straight,” Jaemin hugs Jeno tightly and snuggles into Jeno’s shoulder, which just makes Jeno even more confused.

“I’m still so confused, why are you calling yourself a Twinkie?” Jeno says with a straight face, and Heejin and Jaemin can’t stop cackling, causing Jeno’s face to heat up with embarrassment. “I don’t get it, you guys! Is it like calling yourself a snack?”

“JenJen I love youuuu,” Jaemin singsongs as he kisses Jeno on the cheek, which Jeno doesn’t mind, but still feels awkwardly out of the loop on what the hell they’re all laughing at.

It’s a Friday night. Heejin and Hyunjin had come over to pregame at the Dream apartment before going out to one of Ten’s parties – in fact, they were supposed to have left twenty minutes ago. However, instead of actually going out, they’re slowly making their way through the apartment’s liquor, still pregaming twenty minutes later because they’re still hung up about if a guy’s balls can actually taste.

For whatever reason, Heejin cannot drop the subject and actually wants to test it. And ten minutes later, instead of leaving to go to Ten’s party, Mark, Jeno, and Heejin have decided to stay in and test if balls can actually taste.

Jaemin insisted he go to Ten’s party, so he left earlier with Donghyuck, Renjun, and Hyunjin. Mark had drunkenly called Yeri and told her his balls could taste, much to Yeri’s confusion. One five minute explanation from Jeno and fifteen minutes later, Yeri and Yukhei had arrived to the Dream apartment to see what Mark and Heejin were up to now.

“We are testing if balls can actually taste!” Heejin declares loudly as she pulls some small bowls out of the cupboards, much to Jeno’s protest.

“Heeki, wait!” he says. “You’re drunk, let me get it for you–”

“Oh no,” Heejin says with a plastered smile, “you don’t get to choose the bowl you do it in, JenJen. I choose the bowl because  _ I  _ am the scientist here.”

“Who said anything about me doing it?” Jeno says confusedly. “I thought only Mark was gonna dip his balls in orange juice.”

“I cannot believe this is an actual conversation I am hearing right now,” Yeri giggles as she laughs. “I also cannot believe Yukhei, of all people, turned down going to a frat party just to test this.”

“Bro, we have to test this because there’s no way this is real!” Yukhei yells enthusiastically, always a rowdy drunk. “Like, when you lick my nuts I don’t taste your saliva, that’s not how it works dude!”

“And  _ when  _ would I be licking your balls, stupid,” Heejin whines between giggles, “don’t you know? I don’t like nuts, silly. I prefer kitty kibble.”

“Bro, you’re the scientist here, not me,” Yukhei says as he raises his hands up like he’s been caught. “I’m just saying, even though I’m like, kinda hammered right now, there’s  _ no  _ way my nut sack can taste things.”

“Yukhei, are you always this loud when you’re drunk?” Jeno says.

“Don’t you just love how we’re the only two sober ones here, Jeno?” Yeri laughs as she pours some orange juice in the bowl. 

“Wait, wait, what do I try it with?” Mark says after taking another shot of tequila, which is clearly a bad idea, but Yeri loves drunk Mark and Jeno is too intimidated by drunk Mark to tell him to stop.

Maybe it was a bad idea that Renjun had decided to supervise Jaemin and Donghyuck tonight instead of Mark.

Then again, this all seems like a really, really bad idea.

“Bro, let’s do orange juice!” Heejin squeals excitedly as she opens the carton of Tropicana.

“Hey, wait, don’t use all of it!” Yeri says. “We still need some for chase.”

“Wait, we’re still going out after this?” Jeno says with wide eyes.

“Oh come on, Jeno, don’t go acting all shy,” Yeri says smugly. “I know you love to get wild when you’re on  _ Fireball _ –”

“Stop, Yeri, stop,” Jeno buries his head into the table, “that was just  _ one  _ time and I’m never getting that drunk again.”

Yeri only cackles, slightly tipsy from pre-gaming the past hour and also slightly drunk on bossiness at getting this experiment on a roll.

“Okay, so Mark!” Heejin exclaims. “Is going to do orange juice. And Yukhei! Is going to do it with soy sauce.”

“Bro, what the fuck?!” Yukhei yells. “Are you just saying that cuz I’m Asian, bro? Just cuz I’m from Hong Kong doesn’t mean I like soy sauce!”

“Dude, what the fuck, I’m from Hong Kong too!” Heejin yells back. 

“Heejin, we’re literally from Korea.”

“Jeno, shut up! No one asked to soy your sauce.”

“What does that even mean?!”

“Everyone shut up!” Mark yells as he stumbles over to Yeri. “Me and Yeri are going to test the orange juice first.”

“And then me and Jeno are next!” Heejin squeals excitedly. “With soy sauce!” 

“Wait, no! You said Yukhei was doing it, not me!” Jeno shouts in protest, but it’s too late, Heejin already grabbed onto his arm.

“ _ Jeno _ ,” Heejin says sultrily, because even if she is tipsy, she knows whenever she flirts with Jeno he gets uncomfortable and will do anything to get out of it.

“Heejin, what are you–”

“ _Jeno_ ,” she practically groans out, “ _please_ just, _do_ _me_ this one favor, pretty please?” She bats her eyelids prettily, and Jeno gulps.

“Heejin, I know what you’re trying to do–HEY!” he yelps as she slaps his butt and wraps her arm around him even tighter.

“Please, Jeno,” Heejin whispers, almost like she’s about to cry as she pouts her lips. “Please, Jeno, don’t make me  _ beg for it  _ from  you to  _ do me  _ this one favor, I don’t want to get on my–”

“Okay okay okay okay okay okay,” Jeno stammers flusteredly as he squirms away from her, hanging his head in shame. “I’ll do it, I’ll dip my balls in soy sauce for you, just please, please stop doing this, it makes me so uncomfortable.”

Heejin giggles. “Aren’t you glad we know we’re better off as friends than as  _ lovers _ –”

“Heejin, please stop trying to dirty talk me, this is so weird,” Jeno groans.

Yeri, never one to miss an opportunity to capture Mark doing embarrassing shit on camera, is thirty seconds into filming this drunken escapade.

“Do you taste it?” she asks him from behind the shower curtain as Mark, presumably on the other side (his head poking out from behind) dips his balls in orange juice.

“I can’t tell,” he says disappointedly.

“Can you  _ kinda  _ taste it?” she giggles behind her phone.

“Wait, hold on, I need to, like,  _ concentrate _ ,” Mark scrunches his face as he repositions the bowl. Yeri stifles the urge to make an orange juice joke.

“Can you tell?” she asks again.  


“Wait, I think I need to submerge them more, hold on,” Mark says plainly as he repositions his balls and gets them deeper into the bowl of orange juice.

“Submerging it more? Bro what the fuck,” Yukhei yells from behind the bathroom door. "Submerge in what?! It's a fucking bowl of orange juice, not the Pacific Ocean!"  


“DUDE DON’T PEER PRESSURE HIM!” Heejin shouts. “YOU’RE DOING GREAT, MARK! REMEMBER, IT’S ALL FOR SCIENCE!”

“Wait, hold on, shut up, let me put them in more,” Mark grunts drunkenly as he repositions himself again in the bathtub.

“What about now?” Yeri says as she covers her mouth to stifle her giggles. “Can you taste it?”

Mark just keeps staring off drunkenly in his definitely-close-to-blacking-out haze, a strange expression of ponderance on his face.

And then Mark suddenly locks hysterically wide eyes with Yeri.

“WAIT LOWKEY–”

“Oh my fucking god–”

“I don’t know if it’s in my head but LOWKEY,” Mark yelps as his voice shoots up astronomically high.

“YEAH? You can?!” Yeri giggles excitedly.  


“Kind of,” Mark says as his eyes grow even wider. “Like, bro! It tastes like oranges!”

“What the fuck, dude!” Yukhei says wildly. “What else was it supposed to taste like? Bananas?!”

“Bro, imagine if it did taste like bananas,” Heejin stares off into space wildly. “That would be like, a feat of engineering?”

“What does  _ any  _ of this have to do with engineering?!” Jeno says exasperatedly, the only actual engineering major in the room.

“I don’t know if it’s in my head but  _ lowkey _ ,” Mark says with wide eyes. “Like I can taste the  _ tanginess _ .”

“Oh my god that’s not a fucking thing!” Yukhei shouts exasperatedly.

“I SWEAR ON MY LIFE,” Mark yells back, “ON FUCKING GOD, YUKHEI, THAT I CAN LITERALLY TASTE THE VITAMIN D THROUGH MY BALLS.”

“Oh my god, it’s Vitamin C, not Vitamin D,” Yeri struggles to say as she loses it and bowls over with laughter.

“Wait, what’s Vitamin D from, then?” Mark asks half-drunkenly, half-worriedly.

“Vitamin DEEZ NUTS!” Heejin cackles as her and Yeri keep laughing loudly.

“I hate it here,” Jeno sighs soberly.

“Bro, there’s no way!” Yukhei shouts. “No fucking way!”

Not even five minutes later, Jeno finds himself in the exact same situation. 

“Dude, reposition them!” Heejin says loudly. “Come on, Jeno! We are not letting Mark win!”

“Why does everyone keep talking about winning!” Jeno whines. “This isn’t a competition! I don’t even want my balls to actually taste the soy sauce!” 

“Stop being a baby and do it!” Heejin edges him on as Yeri films the two of them communicating between the shower curtain.

“Okay, okay, I’m doing it,” Jeno mumbles as he lowers his balls into the bowl of soy sauce.

“Do you taste it?” Heejin asks. “Is it like sushi?”

“Why would it be like–WAIT,” Jeno gasps with wide eyes, and now him and Heejin are just staring at each other awkwardly.

“Wait...it’s kinda working?” Jeno says with uncertainty.

“NO FUCKING WAY!” Heejin yells loudly, and Yeri, Mark and Yukhei all look amongst themselves and then back at Jeno.

“Wait, are you serious, bro?” Yukhei says. “Like, I know Mark is piss drunk, and I’m fucking hammered, but you’re like, dead set, sober, deadass telling the truth?”

“I’m serious, holy shit,” Jeno exclaims, “I can literally feel the tingliness Mark was talking about.”

“Wait, is it salty?” Yeri asks curiously.

“I think?” Jeno says. “It like, tastes like soy sauce? But not soy sauce? It's like limbo soy sauce? Does this even make sense? How the fuck does this even work.”

Suddenly the bathroom door opens – it’s Renjun.

“What the fuck are all of you doing in our bathroom?!” he shouts wildly.

“Injunnieee,” Mark whines as he clings onto Renjun for support. “You’re here! In the bathroom! I’m so happy you could make it to the ball tasting!”

“You guys let him drink more!?” Renjun yelps incredulously. “Yeri, you know Mark is the biggest lightweight in the world!”

“Hey! It’s fun seeing Mark get drunk,” Yeri laughs. “He’s usually so uptight about it.”

“You’re not the one who has to live with him anymore!” Renjun complains.

“Renjun, what are you even doing back home?” Jeno says from behind the shower curtain. “I thought you were making sure Donghyuck and Jaemin didn’t get carried away tonight!”

“I know, and that’s why I made Felix and his friends take care of them instead,” Renjun sighs heavily. “Seriously, I’m so tired, what the hell are you guys doing in here? I just wanted to take a shower.”

“We’re testing if balls can taste,” Mark giggles cutely.

Renjun’s jaw drops on the floor. “You’re  _ what _ ?”

“Bro, legit, they can  _ taste _ , deadass,” Yukhei says to him with the intonation of a drunk frat bro. “Jeno’s got his balls in soy sauce right now and–”

“You  _ WHAT _ ?!”

“Hey, don’t yell!” Heejin says. “You’re disrupting the experiment! You might scare his balls back up into his scrotum!”

“Oh my gosh, stop, Renjun, you’ll make him ink!” Mark whines petulantly.

“WHAT?!”

“I’m sorry, Injunnie, they just, Heejin talked me into it and–”

“You know what, I don't...just...okay, well, does it  _ work _ ?” Renjun huffs exasperatedly, crossing his arms. “Can you taste through your balls?”

“Uh...what?”

“I said,” Renjun repeats himself dangerously, “can you _taste_ through your _testes_?”

“Well...I think? But–"

"Did your balls pass this taste teste," Renjun's voice rises slightly, "or did they not."

"Well...yeah? I mean, I can almost feel the taste of soy sauce–”

“Okay! Experiment is  _ done _ , Heejin, please throw those bowls out into the dumpster and please, PLEASE can you all get out so I can take a shower,” Renjun groans half angrily and half annoyedly, and the five of them all scramble out of the shower.

Twenty minutes later, Heejin, Yeri, and Yukhei have left to go to Ten’s party. However, Mark, still very drunk, is snuggling in his bed with Jeno and one very, very tired Renjun.

“I wanna taste the world,” Mark murmurs half-drunkenly, half-sleepily as he cuddles closer to Jeno. “I could taste the world through my balls, Jeno. My balls are the oysters, and the oyster is my world!”

“Uh, what?” Jeno replies confusedly.

“Don’t mind him,” Renjun mumbles into the small of Jeno’s back, yawning sleepily as he cuddles closer to Jeno. “He’s just trying to say an idiom about how the world is an oyster. He’s just too drunk to figure it out right now.”

“I’m not drunk,” Mark pouts cutely. “How did you know I’m drunk?”

“Because you told us.”

Mark gasps. “I did?!”

“Yes, Mark Lee, you did.”

“Oh no,” Mark says quietly, looking around the room. “Can I tell you guys a secret?”

“What is it, Mark?” Jeno asks.

Mark looks up at Jeno with intensely glazed-over drunk eyes. “I tell people my secrets when I’m drunk.”

“You do?”

Mark nods cutely, and then giggles some more.

“Can I tell you a secret, Mark?” Jeno smiles.

“Yes!” Mark squeals excitedly. “I love secrets!”

“Okay, here’s my secret,” Jeno looks at him intently. “Me and Renjun think you should go to sleep.”

“Nooo, I don’t wanna,” Mark whines childishly. “I wanna wait for Hyuckie to get home. I wanna tell him my balls can taste!”

Renjun can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous that sounds.

“You can tell him about it tomorrow, dude,” Jeno gives him a light punch on the shoulder. “Just tell him about it when you wake up, yeah?”

“But I don’t know if I’ll remember any of this,” Mark sighs tiredly. “I wanna remember this.”

“Trust me, Mark, you really don’t,” Renjun grins into Jeno’s back.

“Mmmmm, now that you said it, ‘m kinda sleepy,” Mark yawns sleepily.

“Are you okay if me and Renjun leave?”

Mark shakes his head politely. “Want you guys...to stay...please…” he nods off drowsily, holding onto Jeno tighter.

Jeno complies, waits for Mark’s breathing to even out, and then knows he’s asleep.

He turns behind him. “Ready to call it a night, Renjun?”

But Renjun has also fallen asleep behind him, breathing softly into the small of Jeno’s back.

Jeno just smiles.

“Sweet dreams, guys,” he says as he gets up out of bed and shuts the door quietly.

Then he just sighs tiredly as he starts hopping out of his clothes to take a shower before bed. “I cannot believe my balls have their own fucking tastebuds, fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (An outtake scene from Ten’s party)
> 
> “Wait, Park Bogum? The waiter at that KBBQ place?” Donghyuck says shockedly.
> 
> “Oh my god, yes!” Jaemin giggles as he takes another sip of his drink. “The one who looks like a K-drama star? He is so hot, I could just eat him up.”
> 
> “Bro he is a RED flag,” Heejin deadpans drunkenly. “He was in Korean club before we both dropped it, do NOT fuck with him.”
> 
> “But he’s soooooo hot–”
> 
> “Do not, Jaemin. He is bad news.”
> 
> Jaemin whines. “Okay, but just because he’s probably straight–”
> 
> “He’s in a religious cult, Jaem,” Hyunjin responds sadly.
> 
> “And he may look hot but he’s lowkey batshit insane,” Heejin adds.
> 
> “But...is he rich, at least?” Jaemin asks.
> 
> Also no, balls cannot actually taste LMAO [here's a PopSci article](https://www.popsci.com/story/science/taste-buds-receptors-testicles-tiktok/) explaining why you cannot taste through your balls

**Author's Note:**

> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/hugsy_penguin) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/your_penguinpal)


End file.
